// Bling Bling

I am worth $1,247,000 on HumanForSale.com

apparently this is how much I am worth. Yes, it is funny, and I enjoy the little website game thing, however, I don't feel very expensive. In fact, I have lost all value.

I am frustrated. Graduation is awesome, don't get me wrong there. It's everything else. For all those concerned, it looks as if Revelstoke will not be the future home of Matthew. After applying for 3 other jobs, one has called back to say you can't work unless you have your class 5 drivers license, so come apply when you get it. I'd love too, except that won't be until January of 2006. The fun of White Spot has quickly worn off, and now I get my another sense of frustration. They have recently put me in the kitchen which is just no fun whatsoever. I want out. I want a job where I can get some good money working full time. This doesn't seem to be working out for me. I think I've already forgotten how hard it is to get a job.

I am in high debt, with myself, and with my father. I had a fair amount of money in one of my accounts, the account that was to be money for a future computer, but now I have slowly been taking money out. Money for gas, for food, for presents. I have actually started to cook my own meals! Yes, you know I'm desperate when I start to cook. I officially owe my dad $130 after insurance difficulties so that will take up my entire pay cheque.

My future. Yes another nagging problem that comes to the plate. The fact that I see my future in Summit is not working for me. I am convinced that my dad will not pay for the first year, so I need to get this money by myself. This is a huge obstacle to overcome, as well as my dad throwing other careers at me, which don't seem to intrigue me.

Girl problems. I don't think nobody knows what I'm going through in this case so lets just not give out too many details, cut to the chase and say their are problems. Whose fault is that? Well, mine, but can you blame me? Lets not go there...

Worst thing possible is that my relationship with God sucks. Whose fault is that? Obviously mine! Here's the thing, a friend once told me that maybe your relationship sucks because of your attitude towards youth group. That was true, but since then I'd like to think I've changed my attitude. Somehow I just don't seem to get into his word, into worship, into anything. I seem completely immune to Jesus. Have I given up all hope? No, I pray every night. Here's the worst part of it all. It's all my fault, yet I don't want to do anything about it. At Historymaker he said on the first night you have to change. Since then I haven't done one thing different. Historymaker was a huge disappointment as well this year, maybe because of my attitude. I don't really know! I have so much stuff going on at this very present moment that I shove Jesus out of the picture! I don't mean to do this!!! Argh! I suck. So those who say "you have to get into the word" and "you have to take this more seriously" and so on and so on, I have been telling myself the same thing. I swear, I have a split personality or something.

I really would love to go to Revelstoke now. I just need to change some things in my life, and maybe leaving everything I love would be a reality check, and finally I would realize how much of a friend Jesus Christ really is.

"How can I say that I love you when everyday I deny you?" - Surreal