// Wish I Weren't Here

Today I should be celebrating my mothers birthday with family. Instead we sit around the television as we watch what used to be the Robson family. As I watch the video, I look at myself, not a care in the world. I wish I could go back to that time...

Now I sit here wondering how I'm going to make it through the week. I'm extremely exhausted, extremely frustrated, and extremely confused. I have entered the real world. "You'll be fine" they say, "hang in there" others tell me. Bah, shut up! I don't need your pity. I feel like destroying everything and anything.

I've started full time work, which I can't really complain about. People go to work. Its hard work nonetheless. None of you would make it for a day. Well, some of you. Your in the hot sun all day doing repetitive work and you think I'd rather not be here. Then you think, time sure goes faster here then white spot. I guess work isn't so bad. Oh wait! That's right I have two jobs! Fun! Well I guess I'll see how well I'll do Thur when I get off work only to go back to work.

Speedy Reidy is in his last days, and all I need right now is a dead car, especially since I need to get to work out in White Rock. I wish I was like Andrew... Getting in a car crash, I'd like that. Get some money for my car, maybe break an arm and get thousands of dollars for suffering.

I have officially applied for the railway conductor course and I am now banking on this to start my life. The entire process of waiting and what not is going to be annoying and I just want to know I'm for sure in. In a way I feel I have let myself down, after telling everyone I'm going to bible college, and now I'm working on the railway. Not forever, infact this will give me a chance to maybe take some editing and film courses. My life has endless possibilities, but I feel as though I've let myself down... Stray away from my real goal.

I have isolated myself from people again. As I've mention before I want to destroy stuff, so I'm just staying out of people's lives. It's not like I'm doing this on purpose. You can still talk to me and what not, but nobody chooses to do so therefore its not my complete fault for not talking to people since they don't talk to me.

I'm very proud of myself, there is a nice controversy going around in the church and I'm the match to the fire, with help from others. It has to do with Galiano and it is a complicated story, but I know that I've done nothing wrong, and that people are overreacting, and we still did what we wanted to do. I laugh. Muhaha! Very satisfying. Even saying that it doesn't make life any happier for me. Church just seems to be throwing me more problems as I go. I am actually very angry now that I'm finding out Splashdown is on Friday, instead of what I originally hear was Saturday. Yes, that makes me furious. "Where were you matt?" they'll ask. I HAVE A FRICKEN LIFE NOW! I have responsibilities that I can not handle. I have expensive to pay that I can not pay. I don't know what to do.

I guess I'll continue on with life. School will come around and that will make everything better... Until then I'll lead this life that I don't look forward to waking up to, mainly because I like to wake up at 11 am, not 7.

Raise the white flag