// Straight Up Serious Post

It has gotten to a point where I do believe I have never been worse. Indeed Matthew has hit an all-time low in his life and does not see any purpose in tomorrow. To say I'm suicidal pushes the limits because I don't want to die anytime soon. I would love to die in what... 80 years? Sounds good! In all honesty though... I hate life right now. I am about to be brutally blunt with you in the following paragraphs.

I don't know how you could possibly call me a Christian anymore. Jesus says if were luke warm he spits us out. I'm pretty much in his basement freezer, so what does this mean? Can you call me a Christian? I'm not sure myself. I have not had such a horrible relationships with God since... Probably when I didn't go to youth group. My relationship most likely started going downhill in January of 2005 and has continued a steady rate in decreasing. I would pretty much say I am starting to dig myself a hole because everytime there is intense worship or services and people are like 'Jesus is in the presence' I feel completely awkward. Andrew and I had this discussion a while back that maybe my relationship sucks because I don't see eye to eye with Pastor Andy... But really I don't think that is the problem. I don't have a problem with the guy, I just miss the old youth group is all.

I got my Historymaker DVD today which was pretty sweet. After watching it I thought to myself 'that must have been an awesome weekend' but then realized that it actually wasn't. Historymaker is almost one of the best things that happens in my life and I totally blew by Go... Almost like giving away my virginity to some slut off the street. I didn't come prepared and I completely bew off an important event in my life.

The last time I really felt God was at Summit when I was on my knees listening to what he had to say about my future here. It felt so real, so awesome. At Historymaker I broke down but Summit he was working in me. It just made me feel so incredible after. I am starting t0 desperately miss that.

In the fall at the retreat a youth pastor came up to me and said 'you worship God in the most amazing way, never lose that.' I also miss that. Worship was an incredible time for me which I loved. Joining the youth band has been amazing but ultimately I think it has possible destroyed worship for me? Or the fact that I just have a crappy relationship with him has destroyed it for me.

I am not completely sure why this has happened, but I am guessing maybe a horrible attitude and a large ego? I can't believe I got baptized in April, even when I knew my relationship wasn't doing well. Maybe should I just call myself a non Christian, and start all over again? I'm not really sure.

Youth has been changed for me possibly due to the fact that my relationship has sucked. Hanging out with friends has lost all value, such as tonight where I didn't' really enjoy myself. I used to say in dark times I always have God but now I can't say that because I have turned my back on him. I still pray every night like nothing has ever changed between us. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong right now. I am in my worst days though. I don't know what I am doing with myself.