// I'll Be Waiving My Hand Watching You Drown

I never recovered from Sunday night. I don't like the state I'm in but nevertheless, I'm in it.

Thank you for all who have tried to help me and talk and I apologize if I have been a jerk. If I have offended anyone I'm sorry.

Continue on your daily lives without worry, I'm fine.

"You can all sleep sound tonight, I'm not crazy or anything" - Superman

What's wrong? I'm not sure... if I knew I might have been better by now... but honestly I don't know what's wrong. I think I'm mad at people or something and I don't want to see them but I have no choice and I see them and it makes me mad and then I get frustrated and yea...

Is that what it is?

Man, this is weird. I don't know why I'm like this. Dyllan noticed it at the mall so obviously there has been a change in my mood. I've lost enthusiasm for everything and I don't want to do anything.

Props to the people doing the famine this week, I knew I wasn't going to do it anyway. I calculated that I ate about $30 worth of McDonalds while contemplating the idea of the famine so I think once I get paid for work next week I'll give Sam at least $20... I don't want to say $30 because I'm not sure how much I can actually give to him. So Kelsey! If you read this let Sam know I'm donating money to him! Sam is a really cool kid. He is a kid so it's important that I look after him and I always looked up to the big kids when I was in youth. I think doing something like this is a real morale boost for anyone. It's actually kind of funny, I'm not in the mood for doing anything with anybody but Sam called up Monday and asked about hockey and I was up for that. I couldn't do hockey but still, the only person I want to hang out with is little Sammy! Geez... he really has grown on me.

I've kind of isolated myself lately. I kept my phone off all day Monday and I didn't bother to pick up for anyone besides Fred and Sam. Why isolate yourself? I'm not sure, maybe to listen to what I actually am saying? I talk to Fred because he's Fred, and in hockey you sometimes just let loose and tell people what’s up and let go of everything. Sounds weird, but I've had some intense conversations at hockey games.

Did I tell you my step mom wouldn't let me take Speedy Reidy to school? Yea, it was stupid, but I ended up taking him anyway. It's going to be a battle to keep Speedy Reidy that's for sure... oh yeah! I got Speedy Reidy back! Did I not tell anyone!?!?!

Speedy Reidy is BACK!!!!

I work all week and I'm going to find a gym to work out at after work. Apparently there is one near my work, one that Andy and Shaun go to.

I have this feeling, not suicidal or anything, but I wish that I could just start all over again... pick up this life and start a whole new world; a different city, a different atmosphere, different friends, different everything. Summit would be perfect... but I can't go for a while. Funny how at Summit I have an awesome relationship with God and when I come back it sucks again. Maybe I should look at changing churches. I'm going to try and make it for the morning service at PJ's. Maybe I should boycott Richmond... not go to youth for a week, to church, come to hang out, just not go to Richmond. Would anybody care? If they did would they care enough to come hang out here?

Is this what this whole thing is about? Being accepted? Well, it's about being mad at people and being accepted, combined... maybe... whatever. I might try that this week, not hang out in Richmond, and accept for of course working purposes... we'll see. I'm probably so out of it by now I don't even know what I'm saying anymore

"Well it's all right, you can all sleep sound tonight, I'm not crazy or anything" - Superman