// The Long Road Ahead

My current situation has a bright and promising tomorrow! I have it all, what else do I need? I work for Southern Railway making a very nice income (one not many other 19 year olds are making) and it can only get better. Life is good; I live at home, coming up to three months with Nicole, everything looks to be a-okay, right?

Well, I will be straight up front... The job has many benefits, yes, but it is not for me. To be completely honest, I truly hate my job! I'm not very good at it and I really don't seem to be making any improvement. I hate having to take my weekends on Wednesday and Thursday and watching all my friends have fun while I'm at work. I hate having old angry people at work constantly yelling at me and putting me down and making me feel horrible. I'm sure there is a time where this stage will pass, but I really don't think I can make it to that stage. I'm losing sleep over it and it consumes my mind over almost everything.

Yes, people make these sacrifices in this job like working weekends, graveyards and so on, but that's because they want a future in the railroad. They know that if they keep doing this, they'll eventually get to work the job they want on the railroad. That doesn't apply to me though because I'm not planning on staying with the railroad all this time. The railroad was supposed to be short term so I could save some money.

The thing is, I just can't handle that anymore. What's the point in making those sacrifices if you don't want to move up the ladder anyways? Is it really worth it after all?

If it sounds like I'm just lazy and I don't want to work, that's not it at all. You just don't know what goes on when I'm working, and I truly don't think you want to know.

At this point I am just incredibly confused. My work is my life, and my work is terrible, so life isn't much more fun. If I quit, I want a job with a friendlier environment or something like that. If I quit my dad will probably not be very impressed and I would imagine he would be a little angry...

So I really don't know what to do. If I stay where I am, I continue to work a very un-fulfilling job that I hate with some nice money to it. Or I find a job I somewhat like and take a pay-cut, possibly angering my dad, and making many wonder why I would do that.

There is a point in the road I must get to, which is another school so I can start a career I would enjoy. I have not figured out what career that would be yet, but I have some time to do that, and I have thought about a couple different things. I guess it just depends what road I take to get there, and the railroad might just kill me before I get to that point...

// I'm Exhausted!

Two days of work in a row! They might even make me work tomorrow! Wow, I'm tired!

*sarcasm for those who didn't catch on

// Cultus Lake, Never Do Anything!

Cultus Lake 06 is done, and I must say, there wasn't much lake...or Cultus for that matter, at least for me.

I never signed up because I knew I had to work, but I got a day of fun in!

Friday was filled with a breakfast for Jasmine at IHOP and then she took off to Cultus with Steph and Dave, while Kasi, Nicole and me did some early morning shopping. I got some new shorts and BNL's Maroon album, just for Cultus! As a result a new song is born in my heart.

I worked Friday night from 3-8 and they told me I was spare, so I decided to risk it all and go up anyway, taking Kasi and Nicole Saturday morning, arriving at the water slides at 11:30ish? Yea, something like that...one or the other! I called work and they told me I was working in Abbotsford Sunday at 8am! Woohoo! *high five* Unfortunatly, we couldn't stay, so after an intense game of Settlers (which Brenda somehow too victory from right out of my hands, after I thought Mike was going to do it) and a fun time at the lake, we had to head back home. The lake was awesome, we somehow got Andy in the water after he crushed my head in. He had me in a head lock on the ground on top of me, and Nick and Jason couldn't get him off of me... Come on! I litterally thought I was going to be paralyzed at one point!

Sunday was good times... went to work and it was pretty good. I love working in Abbotsford, nice and relaxed. We headed out to Chilliwak around 1:30 so I was all excited that some of the youth would see me! Nevertheless, they did not, so I was like blah...

Then came the race back home! I needed to get home intime to send Jasmine off to Calgary, and I thought for sure I was going to miss her, and I was soooooooooo incredibly worried. There was even a speed restriction coming back from Chilliwak so it was 10x worst for worrying! I made it though... somehow.

The airport was very... I don't know the word for it. It was a little weird for me because I KNEW that soon Jam would have to get on that plane... and I just didn't want that moment to come. When the time did come, it was just sooooo hard... I had just tried to picture the moment for the past 8 months I've known about her leaving, but it never was like that. We all got are hugs from her, and watched her go through security, and we were all just frozen as we watched her get on. It was soooo hard for myself not to cry, many others did, but somehow I held it in. Going down the escalator, I saw Sam had some tears in his eye's, and I couldn't hold it in anymore! I had to cry! So cry I did...

We went out to the Cactus Club to try and chear each other up, and it worked somewhat... It's just incredibly hard to believe that she's gone... no more Jam...

This weekend was... I don't even know, incredibly bitter/sweet. I'm about to cry as we speak just looking back at it because those were the final moments with Jam...

Anyhoo, I will never do anything

// Driftwood V.2

Matt.
Been a while since the last visit...

Driftwood.
Thought you could use a visit!

Matt.
Haha! Thanks?

Driftwood.
No need to thank me, however I'm concerned

Matt.
Yea eh? Well... What you want me to do now?

Driftwood.
You're in complete control

Matt.
How am I in complete control? Do you think I want this?

Driftwood.
It's your call...

Matt.
You know, I was thinking... I once was listening to this speaker and he said you have to be willing to give up your possessions, family, everything just for Jesus.

Driftwood.
...And?

Matt.
Well... Call me selfish, but back then, and now, I just couldn't do it.

Driftwood.
Why is that?

Matt.
Because how can we be so certain that heaven is what it is?! Is it worth giving up my family, my train set, my car, my everything! Is it really worth it?!

Driftwood.
So your doubting Christ?

Matt.
Somewhat... I guess... I mean, they say we lose are body, and its nothing like earth, and there is no sex! Come on! I haven't had it yet, but I know its going to be good!

Driftwood.
So you're scared?

Matt.
Yes! Is that a bad thing?!

Driftwood.
I'm not the right guy to talk about this stuff my friend...

Matt.
I just... I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I'm doing with my life...

Driftwood.
You ever stop to think?

Matt.
I can't... And when I do, I think about other things... For example, $700!

Driftwood.
You can't do anything about that!

Matt.
I know!!! I know!!! And that's the worst part!

Driftwood.
Why does that still bug you?

Matt.
I'm friends again with every single person in that room now and not a single person will fess up to it? Honestly, how do they live with it?! How! And it's like nobody even cared or cares!

Driftwood.
Everybody has their own side...

Matt.
It's just things like that I question... I need closure, I truly do...

Driftwood.
and hows the new life?

Matt.
Oh please! It's no fun! I'm missing out on my favorite weekend for the first time in five years! You think that makes me happy?! I'm always on call, never know when I work, people are sometimes jerks, I just don't like it!

Driftwood.
Then quit.

Matt.
Haha! And do what? I have no money, can't go to school, no support... Nothing!

Driftwood.
So that's it... Keep on going?

Matt.
Life is good right now, and bad... That's why I'm going insane...

Driftwood.
Gained the world but lost your soul?

Matt.
If you find it, let me know...

// This Is One Of Those Posts Where You...

... just don't know how to say it but you want to say it but your mind is just clogged like a damn in a river and sometimes you just want to take some dynamite and blow the damn up and shoot things and then scream really really loud and say "screw off world!" but you don't really know what you're doing and...

hmmm...that didn't even help!

// Sunday, Bloody Sunday

I've had numerous conversations before of people criticizing U2 for naming one of their songs Sunday Bloody Sunday. They think its a insult to the church or Christ and blah blah blah. Well, for all those who don't know, Sunday, Bloody Sunday has nothing to do with the church, so back off! In fact, its time for a little history lesson.

On Sunday January 30, 1972, in an incident since known as Bloody Sunday, 13 Irish Civil Rights protestors were shot by the British Parachute Regiment after a Northern Ireland Civil Rights Association march in the Bogside area of the city of Derry, Northern Ireland. Fourteen died, six of whom were minors. Many witnesses, including bystanders and journalists, testify that those shot at were all unarmed. Five of those wounded were shot in the back.

Two inquiries have been held by the British Government. The Widgery Tribunal in the immediate aftermath of the day largely cleared the soldiers and British authorities of blame, but was criticized as a "whitewash" by many. The Saville Inquiry, established in 1998 to look at the events again (chaired by Lord Saville of Newdigate), has yet to report. The cost of this process has drawn criticism.

The Provisional Irish Republican Army's (IRA) campaign against Northern Ireland being a part of the United Kingdom had begun three years prior to Bloody Sunday, but perceptions of the day boosted the status of and recruitment into the organisation. Bloody Sunday remains among the most significant events in the recent troubles of Northern Ireland, arguably because it was carried out by the army and not paramilitaries.

The incident has been commemorated by U2 in their 1983 protest song "Sunday, Bloody Sunday". The song begins by expressing the anger of the singer at the events, before evolving into a call for all Christians, both Catholic and Protestant, in Northern Ireland to abandon sectarianism and fight to achieve a genuinely Christian society through Jesus Christ's victory over death in the resurrection on Easter Sunday ("to claim the victory Jesus won on a Sunday, Bloody Sunday").

In the popular live recording from the Under a Blood Red Sky concert album, Bono clearly states in the introduction that "Sunday Bloody Sunday" is "not a rebel song," wary lest the song be misrepresented as supporting physical force Irish republican movements. In the version from their 1988 concert film Rattle and Hum, Bono led the audience in a chant of "No more!" and used the song as a platform to denounce some Irish-Americans that he believed knew little about the real complexities of the Northern Ireland conflict yet funded the paramilitary republican movement and "the glory of dying for the revolution."

So there we go! U2 Rocks!

// Just A Little Too Soon?

Only 5 years later and the movie World Trade Center has come out. Honestly, is this not a little too early? Just watching the trailer makes me shiver with fear. 9-11 is something that is very real to at least me. I watch movies like Saving Private Ryan, Pearl Harbour, real events that have happened in this world, that have shocked this world, but never anything in my life time.

I would think that this movie is just a little to personal for some people because it happend only 5 years later. I watched United 93 and that was just a little too much. It took you inside 9-11 and it brought back all the fear I experianced that day, and more.

I just think this is a little too soon...