// U2 and Matty

U2 CD's Matt Has...

//How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb// November 2004
// The Best Of 1900-2000// November 2002
// All That You Can't Leave Behind// October 2000
// The Best Of 1980-1990// November 1998
// War// March 1983

U2 CD's Matt Needs...

// Pop// March 1997
// Zooropa// July 1993
// Achtung Baby// November 1991
// Rattle and Hum// October 1988
// The Joshua Tree// March 1987
// The Unforgettable Fire// October 1984
// Under a Blood Red Sky// October 1983
// October// October 1981
// Boy// October 1980

// Why Rheba Was Kicked Out

For all you regulars out there let me give you a reason for why Rheba is no longer apart of this blog...

First Post: April 14th

Second Post: May 24th

Third Post: June 22nd

Three posts in 5 months... That just isn't right... Sorry Rheba, you snooze, you lose

// What I Want

This is a completly new post... as you all know the picture below is a model.

I want to turn the picture above into the picture below.

Not completly the same, but I want to get my train set looking incredible! I hope I can do it. Any sugestions?

// Losers.

So! I wasn't at Refuel tonight because Sarah Hermann is leaving for University of Toronto on Sunday and tonight was the only night we were all free. So me, Lauren and Sarah went out for dinner at White Spot, got coffee at Tim Hortons, more coffee at the Steveston Mac's, and then took a walk down to Garry Point.

In the parking lot of Garry Point, there were these guys, right? They're all just kind of standing around their cars, drinking. I guess a few of them were stoned or something. Anyway, here we are. Minding our own business and so we come to this picnic table where we took a seat. We hear these guys walking towards us, but only three of the them, so we didn't really move. But yes, these three guys walk towards us and are all like, "How are you doing, ladies? What brings you out? The fine scenery?" And you can obviously tell that they are intoxicated. But we talk to them anyways. They were the same age as us and so we talked about starting university and some people that we all knew and whatnot, and then they walked off. As they were walking off, they started shouting obscenities and asking if we'd like to "dine". Obviously not.

So then we started walking back to our car. But not before calling the PO on them. Suckers.

Moral of the story? Don't stand around in parks drinking/gettings stoned and then try to pick up girls. It's stupid. And not very intelligent.

// Last Moments of Being 17

Well it just wouldn't be me if I didn't post about my birthday tomorrow. Well yes it is my birthday but it seems like just another day... I mean it's no big deal. I'm going to work on my birthday for the first time ever! The guys say there going to do something for me! I'm a little scared...

Seventeen was not very exciting for me... In fact it will have the claim to fame for the year I was incredibly depressed. I'm okay now... Not completely better but I feel fine. My highlights for the year were okay... Some ups, some downs... Lets look at them.

-The Soap Opera That Changed Everything; started only a day after my birthday, would destroy relationships, and ultimately changing everything even to this very day.

-NHL Hockey lockout; started in September, and would last all the way until next summer

-The Merge; was my first merge which was pretty cool. I got to check out Summit and got to see Andrew. Was probably my last real encounter with God

-Christmas! Was probably one of my best for a long time! I got lava lamps from Kasi and Sarah! My first U2 CD! Cool shirts from Chris and Stephanie!

-Triple O's; My first real job... The stadium doesn't count

-U2 Concert; What can I say, it rocked.

-Mainstage; Had an awesome time with that and I can only bring back positive memories, besides the fact that almost the majority of my friends didn't come to see me for... who knows what reasons.

-Blonde Hair; Third time dyeing my hair, and this was major dyeing!

-Graduation; Goodbye High School...

-2816, The Empress Trip; Got to go to Kamloops, was one of the best experiences I've ever had.

-Painting; my first full time job!

-Cultus Lake; It was pretty good times...

There we have it folks... Ultimately a very important year in the life of Matthew. I will always remember the slack school year I had, and the fact that I graduated is insane! I still remember skipping photo class and going to Calvin's house to play GTA: Vice City. Things that should have been a huge memories were to include Historymaker, unfortunately that did not make it to the list this year.

So my dad says that when he was 18 he worked in a mill for the entire year. In the end he said 18 is just as bad as 17. I bed to differ, I see potential for my 18th year.

Well, Happy Birthday to me!

// The Bear That Could

So just checking my email and I found this crazy little bear checking out some trains...

Crazy little bear!



On a completely different subject, I have just noticed that Blogger has put up a flag button on their toolbar. Apparently if their is 'objectionable' content, you can flag the blog, and blogger does something I would assume. What a stupid idea... I could easily just go flag ranDOMinion for the hell of it, or the other way around. What is 'objectionable' content anyway? By insulting the flag button, is this 'objectionable' content? Not that I have a problem with blogger since they gave me the web space to host this nice little blog here. Just thought I'd point that out.

PS. Need some new members for the blog! Brendon is not posting anymore plus I've already kicked a bunch of people off. Any entertaining people out there?

What a crazy bear...

// Stay awake through summer like we own the heat.

Everyone told me I was crazy when I kept freakin' out last summer about how it might be our last Cultus Lake trip together. About how it might be the last time we were truly that happy. I can't say that this year wasn't good, but like Matt, I have to say that it definitely was no match for last year.

But nonetheless, Cultus 2005 put up a good fight. I'm too tired now to talk about it, but I'll write more tomorrow. I'll include photos as well.

Also, I miss Alex. He's cool.

// Goodbye

The future holds many things for me and unlike last year when I got back from Cultus Lake, I can't say that I'll be there next year.

Cultus was nice; It was fun and I had some good times. To say that I had a moment like I had last year in the lake with Anne, Steph and Dyllan would be a lie. It was good times but not close.

Friday I went up early and Joel, Sam, Candice and I went out on a 2 hour boat ride courteous of Bill Weidman. It was an awesome time, but the thing that hit me the most wasn't that boat ride, but what Bill said to me. "It's good to see you out matt, I haven't seen you in a while." I then realized that leaving youth is not something I can just leave behind. There are people who do like seeing me, and no one else will do. That was so nice to realize.

Saturday was a night where I vented to Dyllan about the crap that was going on and he now understands what I'm going through. I cried, he held me, and that was what I needed I guess.

The potential for the video did not turn out well, but I should be able to throw something together.

This is it my friend... Your last couple of weeks and then you are in college and that is the beginning of a new era. Cultus was the last time I can be a crazy youth guy or something. A new ere indeed.

// Potential For Cultus

I hope to accomplish many things this weekend at Cultus Lake... I have decided to bring Susan along for the ride, but with no battery plug in, she won't be used all that much. However with Susan I would like to take some tubing shots, and make an IPOD Shuffle music video.

Other than that, I hope just to have a nice time since it will be one of the few last youth events I attend. It will be nice to get away from it all, when in reality I'm bring some of it all with me to camp, but I can't let that get in the way right now.

I also plan on bringing back the Barenaked Ladies as official band of Cultus Lake. Either way its going to happen, I'm going to put it in all of the movie when I edit it.

// Tribute To Speedy Reidy

Walk On... I'll miss you Speedy

// Walk On

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing....
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it, can't buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home... I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...

// Matt The Great

Ladies and gentleman, I declare myself depressed. I guess I already knew that but today ultimately proved it. I'm pretty sure all my activities today show all signs of being depressed. Lets walk you through my day.

I woke up at 11, showered and was ready for the day by 11:45. I had the day off work so I was going to do lots! I called ICBC to see if I could take my motorcycle Learners without bringing in my dad, but it turns out I need him with me. I think I'm going to go in for it on my birthday just like I did two years ago when I went in for my actual Learners.

So after I found out I could not do that I ate some chips and salsa. After that I fixed my train set and then lost all enthusiasm to continue working. So I got some cookie dough and watched that 70's show from 2 until 6. I eventually decided to cook the cookie dough just in case it makes me incredible ill. So I then went through 2 liters of juice, a bad of chips, jug of salsa, and half a batch of cookies.

All the live long day I laid on my couch. I don't think that is healthy...

Norman called and actually hearing a human being was nice so that was nice. Sarah came over and we had pizza and I vented. She tried to help but there is no help for me. She says I need a new batch of friends. I think this is true, ultimately connecting back with leaving the church.

Once school starts I think that leaving RPC might not be such a bad idea. I need to get out of this funk and I think starting over with school might be better. I could attend Jade's church... Its all good. We'll see, Cultus will help me determine my fate.

All day I've felt light headed, even when I woke up.

While I respect the Judeo-Christian ethic as well as the Eastern philosophies and, of course, the teachings of Muhammad I find that organized religion has corrupted those beliefs to justify countless atrocities throughout history. Were I to attend church, I'd be a hypocrite.

// Where Are You Going?

I've decided that right now is not the time for me to be dealing with crap. I honestly can't look at the church and think everything is all right because it is not allright, and well I'm just not going to go through this. Stephanie said we must buckle down and enjoy the ride.

Screw that.

I just watched Dukes of Hazzard and it has inspired me to make my own ride, do my own stunts, fly like no one else. I can't go to church and pretend it's allright. After Cultus I'm leaving... I'm cutting off my internet supplies, i'm turning off my cell phone. I promise not to step foot in Richmond unless I have a good reason for it. I am going to let things work its self out without me being here.

What other option do I have? I've ruled out suicide, i can't move away... This is stupid. This is so God Damn stupid.

// Where are you now?

Life has a habit of getting weird like that. Matt, I don't blame you one bit for wanting to throw in the towel. It tends to fray at the edges and leave us grasping for something solid to hold onto but the reality is, nothing in life is solid. Nothing on this piece of space rock we call Earth, anyway.

Each day that we live out is such a passing phase. It makes me wonder when we'll truly settle down and relax. I mean, there can be days, weeks, months, years, even decades and beyond that seem like they are stable and hold strong, but in the long timeline of Heaven and Earth and all around, nothing is really promising too much.

It's a bittersweet time for me. It's time to grow up and realize that some things were not meant to last forever. And however frightening the future may be, I'm still excited to face it. I need to find a way to talk myself into believing that things will get better with time. I keep saying it, but it never sounds real.

Forging forward, I find myself sometimes forgetting to support others who have supported me in the past. If you are one of these people, I sincerely apologize. For your kind efforts, I would like to somehow repay you. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, maybe years from now, but eventually. I would like to return to you all that you have done for me.

For those that I've hurt, I also sincerely apologize. There is nothing in this world that could excuse my behavior, because it says so plainly, "Love thy neighbour." And often times, this hasn't been the case, so now I ask forgiveness from The Big Guy Upstairs and also a pardom from those around me.

In closing, I'm not quite sure what I want you to get from this. I'm not quite sure what I'm getting from this. I just know that life is about to get a lot more interesting in the next little while. With school just around the corner and history repeating itself, I'm gonna have to buckle down and enjoy the ride. Somehow.

// This Guy Is impressive

Check out the demo real for 2004! This guy can do some amazing stuff... His name is Craig Nelson. Hopefully I can follow in his footsteps in making so insane stuff. For now I'll stick to basics I guess

// Stadium, Oh Stadium

Nat Bailey Stadium is where I work, hawking food, and I know love it more than ever. After working jobs that have been a lot harder and not as much fun, I have learned to appreciate working at Nat Bailey as a hawker. My fourth year... I love it!

The stadium has been really good at helping me lately. You forget about the crap your dealing with; you forget everything. You just have an awesome time with your friends... and the beer hawkers! I love them! They make fun of me a lot, but i've learned to laugh with them, not at me. The fans are fun too, but I love the people I work with. Today I was talking to Vinne, who has some sort of back yard wrestling league! He's like 16 and its totally funny. I'm buying a DVD off him and I'm going to come to the next fight and film for them! Looking forward to it really!

You just forget about the crap that goes on in your life there. I've worked insane hours this week. Monday 8-4 at painting, then 6-9:30. Tuesday 8-4 painting, 6-10. You think you got it hard? Work all day! Tomorrow I get a night to myself. But still...

Stadium, Oh Stadium

PS. Speedy has been sold.

// I was inspired today by this song.

This is morning,
That's when I spend the most time,
Thinking about what I've given up.
This is a warning,
When you start the day just to close the curtains,
You're thinking 'bout what I've given up.

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo,
I'm writing you a symphony of sound.
Where are you now?
As I'm rearranging songs again,
This mix could burn a hole in anyone.
But it was you I was thinking of.

I read your letter,
The one you left when you broke into my house,
Retracing ever step you made.
And you said you meant it,
And there's a piece of me in every single
Second of every single day.
But if it's true then tell me,
How it got this way?

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo,
I'm writing you a symphony of sound.
Where are you now?
As I'm rearranging songs again,
This mix could burn a hole in anyone.
But it was you I was thinking of.

But I can't get to you,
I can't get to you.

And this is my mixed tape for her.
It's like I wrote every note,
With my own fingers.

Jack's Mannequin - The Mixed Tape

I was up 'till 1 AM yesterday night/this morning, turning my Dick Tracy t-shirt into a bag. Gosh, I loved that t-shirt. But it had gotten all raggedy and worn out. There were ginormous holes in the armpits and it was fraying everywhere. But now, it's a rad shoulder bag that fits everything. Much better.

// Kite

Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it is
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

And hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin

I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone
Or anything at all

Who's to say where the wind will take you?
Who's to say what it is will break you?
I don't know, which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around?
Don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

It's summer, I can taste the salt of the sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on the breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me...

I'm a man, I'm not a child...
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes

Who's to say where the wind will take you?
Who's to say what it is will break you?
I don't know, where the wind will blow

Who's to know when the time has come around?
I don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Did I waste it?
Not so much I couldn't taste it
Life should be fragrant
Rooftop to the basement

The last of the rocks stars
When hip hop drove the big cars
In the time when new media
Was the big idea

// Couldn't Think of One Optimistic Thing

"I got a call one day for a jumper, a young Spanish girl who was pregnant with aids; truly was one of the doomed. I told her to come of the edge and into my arms and then she said Why should I?"

"What did you say?"

"I was trained to tell her lots of things, about her dreams and the people who will miss her, but I hesitated for one second. In that second I couldn't think of one optimistic thing to say to her. In that one second she could see it, so she spread her arms and jumped..."

// Staring At The Sun

Summer stretching on the grass
Summer dresses pass
In the shade of a willow tree
Creeps a crawling over me
Over me and over you
Stuck together with God's glue
It's going to get stickier too

It's been a long hot summer
Let's get under cover
Don't try too hard to think
Don't think at all

I'm not the only one
Staring at the sun
Afraid of what you'll find
If you took a look inside
I'm not just deaf and dumb
Staring at the sun
Not the only one
Who's happy to go blind

There's an insect in your ear
If you scratch it won't disappear
It's gonna itch and burn and sting
You want to see what the scratching brings
Waves that leave me out of reach
Breaking on your back like a beach
Will we ever live in peace?

'Cause those that can't do
Often have to
And those that can't do
Often have to preach

To the ones
Staring at the sun
Afraid of what you'd find
If you took a look inside
Not just deaf and dumb
I'm staring at the sun
I'm not the only one
Who'd rather go blind

Intransigence is all around
Military still in town
Armour plated suits and ties
Daddy just won't say goodbye
Referee won't blow the whistle
God is good but will He listen
I'm nearly great
But there's something missing

I left it in the duty free area
But you never really belonged to me

You're not the only one
Staring at the sun
Afraid of what you'd find
If you stepped back inside
Not sucking on my thumb
I'm staring at the sun
I'm not the only one
Whose happy to go blind

// Wake Up Dead Man

Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world
And a f***ed up world it is too
Tell me, tell me the story
The one about eternity
And the way it's all gonna be

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man

Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father, He made the world in seven
He's in charge of heaven
Will you put in a word in for me

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man

Listen to your words they'll tell you what to do
Listen over the rhythm that's confusing you
Listen to the reed in the saxophone
Listen over the hum of the radio
Listen over sounds of blades in rotation
Listen through the traffic and circulation
Listen as hope and peace try to rhyme
Listen over marching bands playing out of time

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man

Jesus, were you just around the corner
Did You think to try and warn her
Or are you working on something new
If there's an order in all of this disorder
Is it like a tape recorder
Can we rewind it just once more

Wake up, wake up dead man
Wake up, wake up dead man

// Straight Up Serious Post

It has gotten to a point where I do believe I have never been worse. Indeed Matthew has hit an all-time low in his life and does not see any purpose in tomorrow. To say I'm suicidal pushes the limits because I don't want to die anytime soon. I would love to die in what... 80 years? Sounds good! In all honesty though... I hate life right now. I am about to be brutally blunt with you in the following paragraphs.

I don't know how you could possibly call me a Christian anymore. Jesus says if were luke warm he spits us out. I'm pretty much in his basement freezer, so what does this mean? Can you call me a Christian? I'm not sure myself. I have not had such a horrible relationships with God since... Probably when I didn't go to youth group. My relationship most likely started going downhill in January of 2005 and has continued a steady rate in decreasing. I would pretty much say I am starting to dig myself a hole because everytime there is intense worship or services and people are like 'Jesus is in the presence' I feel completely awkward. Andrew and I had this discussion a while back that maybe my relationship sucks because I don't see eye to eye with Pastor Andy... But really I don't think that is the problem. I don't have a problem with the guy, I just miss the old youth group is all.

I got my Historymaker DVD today which was pretty sweet. After watching it I thought to myself 'that must have been an awesome weekend' but then realized that it actually wasn't. Historymaker is almost one of the best things that happens in my life and I totally blew by Go... Almost like giving away my virginity to some slut off the street. I didn't come prepared and I completely bew off an important event in my life.

The last time I really felt God was at Summit when I was on my knees listening to what he had to say about my future here. It felt so real, so awesome. At Historymaker I broke down but Summit he was working in me. It just made me feel so incredible after. I am starting t0 desperately miss that.

In the fall at the retreat a youth pastor came up to me and said 'you worship God in the most amazing way, never lose that.' I also miss that. Worship was an incredible time for me which I loved. Joining the youth band has been amazing but ultimately I think it has possible destroyed worship for me? Or the fact that I just have a crappy relationship with him has destroyed it for me.

I am not completely sure why this has happened, but I am guessing maybe a horrible attitude and a large ego? I can't believe I got baptized in April, even when I knew my relationship wasn't doing well. Maybe should I just call myself a non Christian, and start all over again? I'm not really sure.

Youth has been changed for me possibly due to the fact that my relationship has sucked. Hanging out with friends has lost all value, such as tonight where I didn't' really enjoy myself. I used to say in dark times I always have God but now I can't say that because I have turned my back on him. I still pray every night like nothing has ever changed between us. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong right now. I am in my worst days though. I don't know what I am doing with myself.

// An Unenthusiastic Post

I feel obligated to post but I don't have the inspiration to post anything. I could post about how I'm feeling but I would rather not, i'm more of captain bring down right now. I just felt like posting to let the outside world know I am indeed alive.